Observations on the Best Food Show on Television

As unrepentent carnivores, Mrs. Large Fierce Mammal and I have small tolerance for those among the Great Unwashed who see nothing wrong with eating meat while at the same time idiotically attempting to expunge their "sin" by repeatedly reminding everyone in earshot of how bad or guilty they feel about it. We have the utmost respect for anyone who makes the choice to go vegetarian or vegan, provided that they have done so for reasons they honestly believe to be sound, that aren't motivated by a need to follow trends, and extend in turn the same degree of respect in our direction while they watch us eagerly savage our leg of lamb. Word of advice: all carnivores can, do, and will bite if provoked, particularly when feeding.

I have personally met a woman, parent of an elementary school aged daughter, who disclosed to me that she fed her child meat in the interests of good nutrition, while at the same time hiding its dark origins from her. She thought it was fine to encourage her daughter in the belief that meat was something made at the grocery store, and then packaged on white foam trays; all to protect her from the evil reality governing most life on this planet: that for one thing to live, something else must die. In addition to all this bullshit about farm raised meat we have the furor over hunting. It isn't necessary to look far before finding someone who will buy farm raised meat at the grocery store while condemning the practice of hunting for food as barbaric. At least in these parts, this attitude is most often directed at the hunting of deer that are seen as cute, beautiful, peaceful forest creatures intended by God to be enjoyed rather than killed. Bullshit. The deer is a herbivore that exists in Nature as part of an ecosystem. Among the biological imperatives that govern its existence are two biggies:

1. Reproduce with the most prime specimens of your kind that you can find; and
2. Be aware that you and yours are not at the top of the food chain.

Best efforts to accomplish item 1 will not always result in offspring that are fit to survive long enough to pass their weakness on to future generations. Good news though. They are the ones closest to the grim realities of item 2; specifically, if you aren't at the top of the food chain, there is something in your environment that can and will kill and eat you if you aren't vigilant, fast, strong, or lucky enough. So contrary to non-hunters who like to claim that the "poor deer" is no match for the human hunter with his rifle. The fact is that the hunter is pitting himself against a quarry that evolution has imbued with an absolute oneness with its place in the scheme of things. It lives its life not in the expectation of being hunted, but in the certainty that it is being hunted at every moment. This is a far cry from the mass production farm cattle that live their lives viewing people as a source of food and care, only one day to find themselves herded onto trucks or train cars to arrive at a place that smells of fear and death. However humane the method of killing, the animal is still killed. As a predator I have no moral objection to swift, humane slaughter, but killing a large animal is not pretty, and regardless of the method used, carries a violence in its essence that will shake the weak minded. So tell me now; is it nobler to eat the meat you had the balls to kill with your own hands or to essentially take out a contract on some animal you've never personally engaged by having someone else do the killing for you so you can persist in posturing that you have personally evolved beyond that? Buy meat at the market, but do it with your eyes open, and take unflinching responsibility for being the animal that you are.

The absolute and, without reservation best food and cooking show on television at the moment is Chef Gordon Ramsay's The F Word. Foul mouthed, and with a face like a boot, Ramsay is an incredible talent with a professional drive that at times approaches being a force of nature. Mrs. LFM has come to regard him as hot in the extreme, an opinion I'm inclined to share, attracted as I am by capable passionate people.

Among other entertaining segments, the show never fails to educate in the realities of food acquisition, whether it be hunting deer, raising lambs for slaughter; following them from birth, through raising, to slaughter, and ultimately to the plate in Ramsay's F Word Restaurant; to scuba diving for king crab. A father of four young children; Megan, twins Jack and Holly, and Matilda; segments illustrate his efforts to bring them up with an intimate knowledge of where food comes from by doing such things as intimately involving them in raising turkeys for Christmas dinner. This is a show that comes highly recommended with complete endorsement from the Large Fierce Mammals.

But it's not all education. I'll close today's post with a segment of The F Word featuring British journalist James May that has to be our all time favourite to date. No controversy. Just fucking hilarious. If you don't follow the show, get off your ass and do it.

Solomon Kane: A Large Fierce Mammal of Fantasy

Robert E. Howard
1906-1936

Most people are familiar with the character Conan the Barbarian, created in literature for the pulp fiction market by Robert E. Howard, and later popularized by the films of varying quality starring the current Governor of California. Howard was a prolific writer who delved heavily into a number of genres including westerns, boxing, and what has come to be known, mostly due to his efforts, as sword and sorcery fantasy fiction. To this day Howard is still one of the most read authors in fantasy, and his work is never hard to find as it continues to be reprinted.

Howard was a brooding soul who balanced a brilliant talent with suicidal tendencies that, along with untreated bouts of chronic depression, had haunted him from an early age. His light was snuffed out when he took his own life on the morning of 11 June 1936, but ironically and sadly, it is this dark side that gives his work an allure shared by few others.

My personal favourite among Howard's characters is Solomon Kane, a fanatical puritan driven to travel to the most vile shitholes of the 17th century world, snuffing out evil wherever he finds it. A fundamentalist of the most radical sort, Kane is compelled by a head splitting combination of righteous spite and self-loathing, and now he's coming to a movie theatre near you in a film adaptation directed by Michael J. Bassett starring British actor James Purefoy. Purefoy is an excellent choice for the role of Kane, having more than amply exhibited his ability to project all the required traits playing Mark Antony in twenty-two episodes of the late HBO miniseries "Rome".

The film has long since gone from rumour to announced reality. Little snippets of information, from spoiler alerts, to concept art, to previews of promotional posters, are appearing all over the internet like crocus blossoms peeking through the snow. I'm hoping for a good treatment of the work here so the crystal ball is staying warmed up. I'll leave you with an early release poster that's making the rounds. As usual, click on the picture for a better view.

Variations on a Theme

Each of the axes in the following shots started life as a small hand axe pretty much identical to the one held by the kid above. A commonly encountered hand tool, they were often forged by local blacksmiths by folding a flat plate of steel around a mandrel that created the eye for the handle.

This one was made by my friend Peter Thompson from an axe he happened upon at a yard sale. If memory serves, he bought it for $2.00. As you can see, he ground off the kid, and everything else that didn't look like the effect he was going for, reshaped the strike face at the back, and welded on a striking head. The finish is cold bluing, although the piece wore a simple patination for a number of years. You can get a better view by clicking on the closeup shots which will expand to slightly larger than life size.

A couple years ago I found another specimen hanging rusting on the wall of an old barn and sent it along to Thompson with my own vision of what should happen. The spectacular result appears below.

I specifically wanted to retain the rough from the forge appearance and as much of the original maker's markings as I could. The finish is also cold bluing. All in all, a very lively and handy version of a four lugged chopping axe that I will be field testing during the 2009 hiking, camping, fishing, hunting, and all things woodsie season!

I'll finish with a shot of the two together with Thompson's bush knife, all sitting atop a whale skull that was a gift from Hurricane Juan. Once again, click the picture for a better view.

The Mouse That Roared

Installing a new computer mouse isn't exactly rocket science, but should it be life threatening?

The mouse on my computer went to shit a few days ago, giving me a double click effect for single clicks with increasing frequency, so I installed a new one today. Imagine my amazement as I read the first sentence on the installation documents that came with it: "WARNING! Failure to properly set up, use, and care for this product can increase the risk of serious injury or death, or damage to the device or devices."

Coming as they did in the wake of such an ominous pronouncement, the installation instructions were a bit anticlimactic, essentially consisting of:

1. Connect the mouse to your computer.
2. Use.
   
3. There is no step 3.
   

Nevertheless, we're taking no chances here so everyone's on high alert until further notice.