Recipes Guaranteed to Get You Laid - Baked Ham With Mustard Glaze

My ham gets attacked so soon after leaving the oven that it never gets a chance to be photographed. This is stock footage from the internet.

Thanksgiving approaches, we're having guests in, and Diana has ordered my famous ham as the main event. I am pleased to comply.

Real men know how to cook, especially meat dishes. No offense to the TRUE vegetarians and vegans out there. Those people have chosen their path based on sincerely held personal belief. As an unrepentant carnivore I can certainly respect that motivation. But how about those who profess to be veggie but come back from the market with "tofurkey", veggie weiners, or soy-burger? These people cloak themselves in the faux morality wherein the lion lays down with the lamb, and yet crave the taste and feel of REAL flesh between their teeth. Pretty fucked up don't you think? I've always seen this as more than a little unfaithful. A lot like making love to your wife while imagining that she's somebody else.

Back in my university days, a friend who should have known better decided to don the mantle of anti-carnivory and began to criticize my choices whenever we dined out together. During this time, I began ordering my food in more descriptive terms, for example, ordering a steak became, "I would dearly love a segment of muscle tissue from the corpse of an immature castrated bull please ... medium if it's not too much trouble. Thank you. " This approach, combined with its associated witty repartee, actually succeeded in getting me laid twice, though I should hasten to add that neither time was with the friend I was lampooning.

Now I know some of you will say that there are poor souls out there who can't eat real meat for medical reasons and compensate by faking it and to you I'll say that I am fully sympathetic with those people. My criticisms here aren't aimed at them. As I always say, they won't be offended because they know who they are. I will even go so far as to admit that there are valid reasons to include fake meats as ingredients in recipes as a means of reducing the fat content. Diana makes a kick-ass breakfast pizza to feed our overnight guests that includes fake breakfast sausages. The faux sausage tastes great in this presentation, and the whole thing has only a fraction of the fat real sausage would add. We also include pan fried tofu in our Asian menus, but we never pretend it's anything other than what it is.

This is the first in my series of "Recipes Guaranteed to Get You Laid". Each one has been personally tried and tested REPEATEDLY to prove its efficacy in all areas of performance claimed. Not surprisingly, most include some sort of meat as a primary ingredient, and each is written from a MAN's perspective. I believe that there is nothing more primal and sensual than acquiring, preparing, and sharing good food and drink with your mate. If you aren't prepared to tackle this without cutting corners, or lean toward slacking on the times I tell you to do things, then you aren't worthy and the woman or man you're after is wasting their time.

This recipe contains an ingredient that, in some countries at some points in history, was restricted for consumption only by those of royal blood. I'm speaking of pork, and more specifically, of ham.

Dessert, that sweet jolt after the main event, is a relatively modern invention. Glazed meat dishes are a legacy of medieval cooking that routinely included sweet coatings, marinades, sauces, and glazes in their preparation. No sweet dessert need apply. So, without further preamble, here is ...

Baked Ham With Marmalade Mustard Glaze.
This recipe uses the concept of cooking ham in combination of wine and fruit juice or meat stock. I recommend that unless your ham is incredibly small (you with the small hams ALSO know who you are so you should leave now because NOTHING will get you laid), you maintain the recommended amount of liquid and glaze. Trust me, like closet space, it never goes to waste.

Ingedients
Uncooked or fully cooked ham sized to feed your gang UP TO a maximum of 8 pounds (3.6 kg), although if your pig is that big the pig isn't ON the table, if you know what I mean.
1 cup Taylor Fladgate "Late Bottle Vintage" Port (cheap and flavourful)
2 cups orange juice

GLAZE:
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup Shirriff "Good Morning" orange, lemon, and grapefruit marmalade (the original recipe calls for orange marmalade but remember, I'm trying to get you laid here)
2 Tbsp grainy Dijon mustard (the original says grainy OR Dijon, but listen to me here)
1 tsp low sodium soy sauce

PREPARATION:
The Glaze-
In a small bowl, combine sugar, marmalade, mustard, and soy sauce. Set aside.

The Ham-
For a "cook before eating" ham, score the fat with a sharp knife to form squares or diamonds no larger than 1 inch square. Leave the cloves in the cupboard or I will take one of your fingers as a trophy. Place ham in the roasting pan fat side up.

For a "fully cooked" ham, slice vertically into the ham to a depth of 50% its total diameter to form the 1 inch squares. In this case, place the ham in the roaster with the cuts facing up.

In a saucepan, bring the wine and orange juice to a simmer then pour OVER the ham.

Bake in a 325ºF (160ºC) oven, basting liberally at 30 minute intervals. Do this for 1.5 hours for a fully cooked ham OR 2 to 2.25 hours for a "cook before eating" ham (depending on size).

After the last basting, wait 10-15 minutes and then brush on the first third of the glaze, being sure to coat the surface and get right down in the cuts that should be wide open and longing for attention right now. Reapply the glaze every 15 minutes until gone (the glaze, not you). Continue to cook until internal temperature is 130ºF (55ºC) for a ready to eat ham, or 160ºF (70ºC) for a cook before eating ham. Keep an eye though in case things are getting done too soon as can happen when your ham is ... um ... small. Remove the ham from the oven to rest at least 10 minutes before slicing. By now, the smell alone should get you laid so the time required won't be an issue.

Now remember gang, these are guidelines. Actual measures required to work on your significant other are open to tweaking as required. We do maintain 24 hour tech support to help you through the rough spots but the phone may not be answered if we're ... cooking.

Enjoy, and I'd like some feedback so don't forget where your Guru lives.